Tom Banerjek will not use the restroom at work for #2

Everyone who works at The Agency has his or her own personal quirks. Stan Manley is highly anxious in nearly every conceivable social or interactive situation. Bambi St. James basically seems annoyed and/or irritable even when she’s actually trying to be nice, which isn’t very often. Monica Salters will only drink coffee from purple mugs. Vicki Furlong does, in fact, lack even the most basic levels of social grace and tact—she is, for all intents and purposes, blunt to a fault. Zooey Feeney is incredibly nice to everyone she works with—including Travis McEvoy—which her coworkers hypothesize stems from a strong desire to never intentionally hurt anyone’s feelings or rock the boat or create any kind of social dissonance whatsoever. Travis McEvoy mysteriously can’t pronounce Darrell’s Sweeney’s first name properly; instead, he sort of monosyllablizes it as “Drrl,” which everyone who isn’t Darrell actually finds pretty amusing and says is basically Travis’s one redeeming social quality. Darrell himself always seems to bring leftovers for lunch that makes the office refrigerator smell bad, but always bad in different ways.[1] Rachel Bauman keeps stockpiles of expired, individually wrapped food items in her desk. Kathy Adkins is often inappropriately sweet, syrupy sweet,[2] even in situations where numerous other emotions would be much better suited. Xiang Liu and Dharini Mohapatra literally compete over just about everything imaginable[3] and somehow still manage to stay both friendly and professional w/r/t each other at all times. Todd “Fuzzy” Lomeier unfailingly smells like old hotdog water.

Tom Banerjek steadfastly refuses to evacuate his bowels at work.

In fact, Tom’s particular refusal/phobia is something basically everyone at Furlong & Co. knows about but also goes to great lengths to hide from Tom knowing that they know. Tom himself has never given much thought to whether or not any of his coworkers suspect he has such a marked fear of dropping the proverbial “deuce” at the office for the simple fact that considering whether or not his coworkers are aware of his little “tic” might cause him (i.e. Tom) the kind of paralyzing anxiety that actually just going ahead and taking a shit at work might/probably would cause him.

The only person Tom knows for sure knows about his goingnumber-2-at-work phobia is Stan, who Tom considers probably his best friend at The Agency. The reason, Tom once told Stan, that he (i.e. Tom) prefers not to “bake brownies” on the job is that he doesn’t want the whole afterstink phenomenon getting attached to- or associated with him personally, primarily because most of his coworkers at Furlong & Co. are female, not to mention that roughly half of which are attractive and another half of that half are single and potentially “available” since he (i.e. Tom again) is also single.

The other thing, Tom claims, is that due to the low number of male coworkers, the process of elimination is not all that complex when it comes to matching the afterstink (Tom’s word) to the particular man/owner/producer of such.

Etc.

At the end of the day, this, Tom says, is a risk he is simply not willing to take.

So instead, Tom Banerjek takes a non-smoking smoke break every day at 10 minutes to 10:00 AM, at which time he actually leaves The Agency’s premises for 15 minutes, driving usually just across the street, to either the Burger King or McDonald’s, depending on which restaurant has the fewest cars parked in the parking lot, and uses the public—and arguably far less sanitary—facilities there. Afterwards, he (i.e. Tom) tries to play it off by bringing back a coffee and a breakfast sandwich, the latter of which Tom nearly always discards given the fact that he’s a certifiable health nut. The strict adherence to- and regularity with which Tom executes this routine finally got people around The Agency talking, and consequently brainstorming, as to just what in the hell he (i.e. Tom) was really so secretly doing that he needed to hide it behind a coffee and greasy breakfast sandwich every weekday.

This is to also say nothing at all of the time Travis just flat-out asked Tom why he never seemed to take a shit at work, and didn’t he (i.e. Tom) think it wasn’t just a little unnatural, not to mention hard on the old colon, to hold it in like that all the time? It should probably be noted here that Travis asked Tom this incredibly awkward question just before a mandatory management meeting which meant e.g. in front of just about everyone Tom works with, to which Tom only responded by facially turning various shades of red and then finally purple, but also saying nothing aloud. After the mandatory management meeting, during which Tom didn’t speak a single word, it was altogether agreed upon that, if Travis’s question wasn’t the exact moment Tom decided that Travis was officially his nine-to-five nemesis, it was certainly a significant amount of fuel added to the adversarial fire. It was also unanimously agreed upon that, of course, being as oblivious as Travis is, he probably has no clue about the freshly painted bull’s-eye on his forehead.

***


[1] I.e. today Darrell brought in a half slab of babyback ribs that, when the refrigerator door is opened, inexplicably and automatically smells like someone just did a cola-burp right in your face

[2] Which should not, in any way, be confused or lumped together with Zooey’s incredible niceness.

[3] Something Travis once unfunnily noted seems like some sort of Battle Royale for ultimate female minority supremacy at The Agency. This was the first occasion Zooey actually said something not-exactly-nice to Travis which was simply: “That was pretty insensitive, Travis,” which actually surprised more people than did Travis’s insensitive and arguably racist statement.

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